The president's been shot Christmas Day in downtown Washington D.C. at the Iraqi War Orphans Home by a 12-year-old female resident?

What in the world is happening to America? Time to go bomb some country over this. North Korea? Iran?

In this alternate universe, it's bad enough the economy sucks -- now this?

No doubt about it. Time to roll out the war planes and battle battalions, at least that's what some conservative American patriots and Evangelical Christians are screaming. Enough pussy-footing around. Bomb Iran. Hell, bomb somebody. North Korea. Somebody. Anybody.

Providing some helpful inside political analysis for his favorite Fox News reporter, while happily ensconced inside this 363-page novel, former President George W. Bush is back to snorting tons of coke now that he's retired from public office; his syntax still a jumbled mess.

Meanwhile, over at Walter Reed Army Hospital, not to worry, President Barney Kenton has awoken from his coma only two days after being shot in the head; but uh-oh, he starts doing what none of his predecessors has ever done - he starts spouting the truth about war and economics in direct opposition to the rich-and-powerful people who put him in office.

Working to thwart the president's new peace-initiative plan, is none other than former Vice President Dick Cheney, who is secretly plotting to take over the country while dealing with this pesky paranoid voice inside his head, not to mention his lusty wife Linda.

Unknown to everyone, save the Chinese general secretary, is this one simple fact: the real reason America has been so screwed up over the past 100 years is because criminal space aliens secretly invaded earth in approximately 1900.

Not to worry, juggling his own drug problem and blow-up-doll addiction, Rush Limbaugh is at the country's radio helm, leading ditto-heads into the truth - we're all a mess.